I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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