I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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