I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
