I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize