remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
