You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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