DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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