apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
