i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
