I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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