dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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