I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
