At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
