I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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