Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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