Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
