So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
