im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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