when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize