"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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