do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you will always have a special place in my vag
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
