fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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