Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
