...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
