My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
