I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
