i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Less talking, more tequila
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
