I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
