She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
