2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
