My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
