I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
