3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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