I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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