Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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