my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
