Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
