I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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