dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
