the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
