she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
