By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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