I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
