It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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