I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
