I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize