Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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