I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
