i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
