Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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