just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Drake has all the answers
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
