If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
