Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
