1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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