Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
