On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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