where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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