I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
