FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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