im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
